CREED: "Everybody knows if Jesus played guitar, He'd be David Cassidy."

JUDAS PRIEST: "Who's the bleedin' git behind me? Why is me leg chained to me arse?"

CREED, JUDAS PRIEST VIE FOR CASSIDY BACKUP SLOTS
Springfield (Spueters) Positioning himself for a comeback, former teen heart-throb and TV rock star turned speed-metal-thrash guitarist David Cassidy hopes his latest effort will win him the acclaim he has long sought as a serious musician. Not that serious musicians are unaware of Cassidy's white hot chops - some of the most successful acts in the business are among the hopefuls lining up to audition as his tour band.

That's right, we said tour band, not opening act: "With David launching his comeback tour in 2002 he'll be cornering the live rock superstar market - no major act can compete. Our tickets wouldn't be worth spit. God knows, it's better to catch the dude's wave than to play 40 days and nights of empty venues this summer. We'd be crucified." said Creed frontman Scott Stapp. "Imagine what would have happened to Nirvana if the Beatles had played a comeback tour in 1991? Like, Cobain would still be dead, but no one would care."

"Our tickets have never been worth bleedin' spit" belched a dazed Glenn Tipton shortly after regaining consciousness this afternoon. The Judas Priest guitar-slinger and veteran headbanger appeared annoyed by the suggestion of pretty much anything. "We love the bloke. Um, who? Where's the bleedin' beer?"

A spokesman for Cassidy said yesterday that the auditions would continue. "Frankly, he's been a bit disappointed so far. We're looking for hardcore players. After all, this is not the Cowsills' Reunion Tour."